July Column in Austin Fit Magazine: "Exercise and Movement for Mental Wellness"

Austin Fit Magazine community members are generally quite adept at moving their bodies, with great determination and focus, but how does movement affect your mental health? Is there a benefit beyond physical exercise? The answer is that regular movement absolutely supports your mental health. Numerous studies show the benefits of exercise to manage stress, reduce anxiety, improve depressive symptoms, help you sleep better, and more. Medical doctors now often recommend 30 minutes of cardio exercise daily for optimum well-being.

Maybe you’re exercising vigorously and regularly, and getting physical benefits (yay sweat!), but how much do you use movement to support your mental health? Marc David, founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, invites people to shift from a ‘force your body to work out’ to a ‘find what feels good in your body’ approach. Yoga classes also often encourage you to be present with your feelings and let working through them be part of your movement. Sometimes, as exercise fans, we set physical goals and then force our bodies to move towards those goals. That can work well and lead to the desired outcome, whether that is weight loss, muscle gain, or improved endurance, but it can also be taxing on the nervous system or on your emotions if you neglect the mental benefits of exercise and only focus on the physical dimension.

How do you love to move your body? Playing a sport? Dancing to your favorite music? Running or yoga or cleaning?

Our Austin friend Adriene Mishler is now a worldwide legend (plus a beautifully kind person!) for teaching people how to ‘find what feels good’ through yoga on YouTube. She invites everyone to pay attention to their body from a place of being curious instead of wanting/forcing it to be a certain way. How refreshing!

The pressure from media and Hollywood idols of “perfect bodies” or “perfect fitness” may lead us to compare ourselves harshly, go against our natural rhythms, and force our bodies to conform to superficial ideals of beauty. When we are gentle with ourselves, we commune with our bodies at new levels-by slowing down enough to listen to more sensory information that’s being communicated through our nervous systems.

Certainly, there is value to be gained through intense discipline and commitment to physical strength and endurance. The invitation we are making is: How can you listen a little more to what your body is saying? Your body stores a record of your mental health via stress, tightness, emotional energy, and sometimes even pain. The cumulative stress you carry inside is called allostatic load. It accumulates through excess internal and external stressors, like not feeling emotionally supported in life, experiencing financial stress, or through partner/relationship stress. Especially during this time of COVID, we need to have people we can open up to about our day, feel safe and trusting of those around us, and get out what may bother us and share what excites us.

Movement practice: If you haven’t stood up in a little while, we invite you to stand up and stretch your fingers to the sky, and then put your hands on your lower back and fold down, letting your head and neck drop down and dangle for a few breaths. Scan your body for information. Do you notice any tension or good feelings from your feet to your hands to your face? Pay attention to the small muscles, and key areas like your neck, shoulders, jaw, the length of your spine, and hips. Notice any emotional energy, stress, or anxiety? When we notice what’s happening in our bodies at a more granular level, we can find new ways to move the tension out of our bodies. This is a major reason why yoga is so popular now…People are carrying so much stress from work and modern living that they are looking for a way to move and shake it out.

Shake it out friends, and give yourself the treat of finding out how your body likes to move and groove a little more today!

John Howard and Peter Craig are psychotherapists at PRESENCE, an integrative wellness center supporting your mental, physical and relationship health so you can heal, grow, and thrive in life through science-based psychotherapy and medicine.

https://www.austinfitmagazine.com/July-2020/movement-for-mental-wellness/

Interviewed by Austin Fit Magazine's in June Edition: "Mental Health: Before, During and After COVID-19"

Humbled and excited to announce that Austin Fit Magazine interviewed me for an article in their June edition. Check it out below…

Over the last few months, the conversation and news of COVID-19 have taken over our lives and forced Austinites to stay indoors, limiting social interaction to that of digital means. However, in the wake of the pandemic and its many implications, what was once a low hum of conversation is beginning to get louder: the importance of mental health. 

Even though we stay home to protect ourselves and our neighbors from contributing to the spread of COVID-19, we must also look inward and make sure our own mental health is being taken care of as well. 

Licensed marriage and family therapist, Mathis Kennington, Ph.D., says attention to mental health conversations is more visible due to what everyone is experiencing during the pandemic: uncertainty, which is why people are experiencing fear, anxiety and depression. 

“It’s very difficult to consult with people to help them cope with anxiety when they don’t know if they’re going to be able to stay in their home, right? So, therapists and mental health practitioners and doctors are having to find new ways to help people cope with symptoms of poor mental health right now, because…this is unprecedented for everybody,” Kennington says. 

Going back to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, a person’s basic needs must be met before their psychological and self-fulfillment needs, because until then, all other needs are considered secondary. According to SimplyPsychology, these basic needs, such as food, water, warmth and rest need to be met for the human body to function properly.

“If you ask any therapist about this, they are going to tell you the same stuff: mindfulness, grounding, breathing techniques, etc. None of that shit works right now. It just doesn’t. The only thing that I have found to be helpful, right now, is a sense of solidarity,” Kennington says. “What I mean by that is you have to be connected right now to somebody or a group of people that are experiencing the same thing that you’re experiencing.”

Connecting with others who are experiencing similar situations and feelings allows one to be provided with a sense of connection and transcendance to an issue that they are suffering with, Kennington says.

“Mental health is extremely important to overall health. It’s as important as how the body functions right, because how we feel directs the choices that we make throughout the day,” Kennington says. 

Because of this, many clinicians are organizing groups that will allow for people to meet others that are going through similar situations, whether it be a job loss, surviving COVID-19 and more. 

“People who never really experienced or maybe don’t really connect with the experience of anxiety symptoms, depression symptoms — a lot of fear — are very aware of those feelings now, and they understand how arresting they can be,” Kennington says. 

Peter Craig, a therapist from Austin Professional Counseling, says there is more appreciation for mental health and acknowledgement for how it plays a vital role in one’s physical health. 

“If you’re carrying a lot of stress from unexpressed emotions or feeling like you can’t express how you feel, that actually shows up in your body as stress in your nervous system,” Craig says. 

“I do think the mental health effects of lockdown are pretty intense for some people,” Craig says. “Some people might have the luxury of enjoying a little more time and space with their family or loved ones, but a lot of people are experiencing extra stress.”

Relationship issues because of COVID-19 are more complex, because, since people have been social distancing and staying home, there is more pressure on relationships to survive virtually, which can make those relationships even harder, Craig says. 

Craig, who is now using secure video platforms to continue business, says he thinks there will be a growing place for virtual counseling, or telehealth, even after COVID-19, as our society becomes more digital. 

Telehealth, according to Mayo Clinic, is “the use of digital information and communication technologies, such as computers and mobile devices, to access healthcare services remotely and manage your healthcare.”

“I mean, in-person is much more satisfying for human connection,” Craig says. “So, I think telehealth is going to increasingly have a place, but there’s nothing like sitting across from somebody — it’s not really the same.”

Craig says, for some people, going to an office away from their own space is somewhat of a ritual, and it could be difficult to substitute that with a virtual experience. 

Kennington, who says his business initially dropped and then sharply increased from COVID-19, also utilizes telehealth.

“It deals with the problem of access,” Kennington says. “Most of the population probably didn’t really understand that telehealth was a very specific aspect of mental health or even until COVID.”

With telehealth, Kennington says it is more complex than simply hopping on a video call with a counselor, as there are telehealth training requirements. Since there is beginning to be more public awareness of the access of these virtual services, Kennington also reckons it will have a place in the future. 

Craig says conversation surrounding mental health is becoming normalized, especially since the effects of COVID-19. Older generations used to view counseling as a confidential experience, whereas younger generations view therapy and counseling as a way of personal growth, optimization and are more open about their experiences with therapy.

Even though both therapists remark on how the effects of COVID-19 can be difficult to cope with, Craig says one of his recommendations is to find time for physical movement, whether it’s going for a long walk, jogging or even having a dance party for 30 minutes. 

Another way to cope with the stress is to prioritize quality time with the people you are quarantined with and be present with one another, without devices, he says. 

“I’m just wanting everyone to be kind to themselves. This is just a really hard time, and there’s uncertainty which makes us scared and fearful. And try practicing being kind to our experience,” Craig says. 

There are a lot of people pushing for optimal productivity and taking advantage of the extra time we have to learn a new language and work on extra projects, but this isn’t a requirement, Craig says. 

 “If you want to go for that — great, but [you]also want to give people permission like, ‘Hey, just surviving right now — that’s an accomplishment,’” Craig says. “This might actually be a really good time to slow down and reflect on your life, and, you know, just be really present with making meals and being in front of the person that you’re with. So, just kind of having permission to not have to do all these things, which is to be okay as you are.”

https://www.austinfitmagazine.com/June-2020/mental-health-and-covid-19/

'Getting the Love You Want & Creating Deeper Connection' podcast with The MAjic Hour

Jade of the MAjic Hour podcast asked me to co-host an event with her called ‘Create Deeper Connection’ back in September of 2019 where her and her co-host Mercedes interviewed me for 30 minutes and then I co-led the group of 40+ people through connection games. It was a beautiful experience! You can listen to the podcast that just went live here.

“During our LIVE event in Austin, TX, we had the honor of interviewing our dear friend, Peter Craig, for his second time on the podcast. Peter is a group and couples counselor who is studying sex therapy, as well as an eating psychology coach. He helps people explore, gain insight, and take action towards greater health by overcoming stuck behavior patterns and fostering greater self-compassion. In this episode he illustrates how to ask for help from others, share your emotions, and how to stop trying to “fix” people. We also explore why people are having less sex, experiencing more loneliness than ever, and how the overwhelm of choices in the dating world can actually be a hinderance to your ability to find a life partner. We were thrilled to co-create this event with Peter, and share with those who attended how to connect to our own needs more clearly and deeply, and how to create more genuine and sustainable connection with others. We know our listeners will gain the same valuable insights from this conversation. Please Enjoy!”

John and I featured in Austin Fit Magazine's 'Influencers in Fit Biz' Oct. 2019 Issue

John and I were honored to be featured in ‘Influencers in Fit Biz’ for Austin Fit Magazine’s October issue…thanks AFM!
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John Howard and Peter Craig are psychotherapists who specialize in helping their clients thrive in life and achieve personal goals such as having healthier relationships, relieving stress, anxiety and depression, and finding deeper meaning and purpose in life. John is originally from New York and moved to Austin in 2004 to join his wife, an Austin native. Peter grew up in Louisiana and found his home in Austin after attending UT. He especially loves Barton Springs, where he swims and plays his guitar a couple times a week.

John trained with world-renowned couples therapist Dr. Stan Tatkin of Los Angeles for over eight years, and eventually taught with him alongside many top names in the field of psychology. He offers the newest methods in relationship improvement including neuroscience-informed couples therapy that helps partners retrain automatic habits to deepen connection.

John is also the Founder and CEO of PRESENCE, a comprehensive psychotherapy clinic that combines counseling with yoga, mindfulness, nutrition, genetics and functional medicine. The first of its kind in the world, PRESENCE opens its doors October 2019 and helps you have a healthier mind, body, spirit and relationships.

Peter is a beloved coach, poet, musician and therapist in Austin who radiates warmth and kindness throughout his community of friends and colleagues. A true renaissance man, Peter is also a triathlete, meditation instructor and is recording a new album with his band in his spare time. A gifted therapist, Peter leads counseling groups and works with individuals and couples.

John and Peter have been on a mission to de-stigmatize mental health care, educate the community, and make therapy ‘cool.’ Their approach, which focuses on personal growth, letting therapy be fun and offering engaging workshops, has resonated with the Austin community and brought them attention as thought-leaders in mental health and wellness. Austin Professional Counseling offers empathic, science-based care and houses some of the city’s top therapists.

https://www.austinfitmagazine.com/October-2019/influencers-in-fit-biz/

It's Finally Okay for Men to go to Therapy

“It’s my first time in therapy” is something I hear increasingly often in my office. By men. All kinds of men, young and old. Men struggling with relationships, out of control behaviors, anxiety, or depression. 

The tide has turned. The stigma of therapy implying weakness or major mental illness is no longer strong enough to impede many men who want to talk with someone and get support in taking action. What great news! As more athletes, celebrities, and musicians speak up about mental health and the challenges they face, men seem to find it increasingly socially acceptable to reach out to someone. That’s significant progress, because men tend to reach out to counselors when depressed much less often than women (and let symptoms worsen- sometimes to the point of no return). I am writing this article in hopes of continuing to inspire men (and everyone!) to seek counseling when they need it. Having the courage to admit that you need support is the opposite of weakness. Therapy also allows you to explore how you can improve your situation with work, home life, or friends, which can make your life feel much better!

Outdated masculine archetypes paint the ‘superhero’ man as invulnerable, stoic, rageful, or unemotional. Generation after generation have raised men not to explore their emotions- feelings of sadness, loneliness, or hurt, out in the open. Instead men have been conditioned to often suppress these feelings, unless they are socially condoned ones - anger, numbness, or sometimes sexuality. The result is hurt people hurting people. Violence, physical and emotional abuse, a lack of empathy- these problems continue to be reproduced in homes and in society at large. 

When our emotions are consistently diminished or undervalued growing up, we learn to form defenses around feelings, whether on the high end (i.e. ‘I guess I won’t feel exuberance any more if I keep getting yelled at for being so excited’), or on the low end (‘It’s so painful to hear “Stop crying!” so many times I guess I have to harden myself somehow against this sadness’). These defenses protect us from ‘unbearable states of aloneness,’ but they come at a cost. We may not get to the root at why we have a hard time connecting with our partner. For example, unconscious emotions of disappointment or resentment may not be felt and therefore not recognized to be processed together. Repressed emotions can also keep us from our sense of confidence and vibrancy and impact how successful and effective we can be at work.

Our defenses against certain emotions help us survive, but can limit our ability to thrive. If we were shamed or invalidated as a child for emotions outside the ‘normal range’ in our family, we may have learned to tuck those emotions away or not feel them at all after a while. Such lack of emotional support and validation may have made us feel alone in our emotions, even scared and confused by what to do with them. Such family patterns around emotion are then easy to replicate, causing us to handle emotions in similar ways to how our parents did with us growing up. Those patterns can perpetuate inter-generational trauma, however. With more awareness and training, we can break those cycles and give the next generation more emotional range and tools.

How do we stop the cycle? We can begin to cultivate more kindness toward ourselves, which necessitates the ability to be curious from a place of non-judgment with how we’re feeling instead of immediately recoiling or dissociating from our emotions. Men can see emotions as valuable parts of their experience that are connecting and stress-reducing to share. Rather than thinking of emotional sharing as ‘something women do,’ men can understand how helpful it is to share sadness with a friend, for example. We can learn to tolerate previously unbearable emotions, and train to notice emotions that cause irritability under the surface of our conscious experience. As we continue to allow ourselves to feel difficult or uncomfortable sentiments of grief, disappointment, or longing, we welcome previously dissociated parts back into our self. The ‘adaptive energy’ from these emotions brings vitality and new possibilities, potentially even rewiring outdated beliefs like we’re ‘not good enough.’ This is the stuff of healing--of good therapy.

As more emotions are welcomed and explored, we integrate previously unresolved emotional pain in a way that leaves more open space inside of ourselves. This translates into a greater ability to feel the full range of human emotions without becoming dysregulated--scientific speak for not flipping our lid and breaking down to more primitive behaviors that often sabotage important relationships. Such sabotage can include shutting down in conversations or getting overbearing or aggressive. We can learn to feel frustration with our partner and others and still talk about our challenges reasonably. We can learn to interact assertively with others without seeming arrogant or enforcing our opinion in a rigid way. Increasing our emotional intelligence allows us to reach more of our life goals by making sure the people in our life are happy with us and that we have the skill to navigate stress and challenges.

There is a cultural history of men repressing their emotions in order to appear ‘strong,’ yet even the military and special forces have acknowledged how important it is to share and have support to remaining a high-performer and continuing to function. Feelings consume energy, and many men have a tendency to drink heavily, withdraw emotionally, or self-medicate to deal with the stress. However, many men are prepared to learn how to deal with their emotions more productively. They may know that they tend to drink more when they feel criticized, alone, or experience grief and loss. Rather than consuming alcohol excessively, or shutting down, it is good practice to breathe and witness a sense of loss or pain and seek emotional support from others. Such practice builds important internal ‘muscles’ that help us be more resilient to stress and life’s ups and downs. Such a practice might also open a deeper willingness to see a professional therapist and discuss mental health issues in greater depth.

As we learn to notice, value, and express more of our inner experience, our authentic self emerges in a way that invites deeper connection, greater creativity, and more fulfillment in our lives. No wonder more men are seeking out therapy! And, it’s about time.

Peter Craig is a psychotherapist with Presence Wellness. He offers individual, couples, ketamine-assisted therapy to help his clients achieve healthy minds and thrive at life.

Create Deeper Connection workshop

I had the pleasure and honor of facilitating a workshop to cultivate deeper connection with Jade Bryce (who came up with the idea and did the marketing and co-hosting with me) and Mercedes (who is co-host of Jade and her podcast The Majic Hour- My episode is #19).

As you may know, connection to me is one of the most important things in life, so getting to guide 40+ people through games and exercises to practice vulnerabliity and creative expression was a thrill and joy!

I told the flier makers to change my title to ‘Relationship counselor’ because ‘expert’ seems too braggadocious but they didn’t update the fliers…

We did a 30 minute podcast interview on connection and intimacy…stay tuned for it to be published in the next month or so!

Cultivate Wellness podcast interview: Relationships, Marriage, Mental health

My friend Brad Swail (his dad started and owns People’s Pharmacy, Austin’s ‘favorite pharmacy’) interviewed me on relationships, marriage, mental health, and therapy in general.

You can give it a listen here!

Recalibrate Mind, Body, and Fuel: Speaking on panel 9/9/19

I had the honor of speaking on a four person panel about the psychology of healthy eating, exercise, and overall wellness with one of my mentors Charlotte Howard!

Check it out here (pasted below):

We look forward to having you come Recalibrate with education, meditation, and community!

Kick off September with Austin experts in psychology, nutrition, and fitness as we talk all things modern mind, eating, and exercise. We'll debunk dieting misnomers, cover eating practices rooted in whole-body, brain-gut health, dig into important intersections of mental and physical health, and share realistic practices that provide real impact.

We know that eating and exercise can feel clouded by the latest trends and buzz, so we're jazzed to be delivering some refreshing clarity behind topics like:

• What factors of psychology most strongly drive our eating and exercise habits? How does everyday mental health directly impact our physical health?

• What do we need to know about today's most popular nutrition topics like keto, intuitive eating, food-as-medicine, anti-anxiety and anti-inflammatory eating? What dieting misconceptions or misapplications can hinder us more than help us?

• What are top *realistic* ways to identify / implement changes in eating / exercise that are healthy to our bodies and minds? How can we use mindfulness as a daily tool for optimal awareness and health?

Our rockstar panel of experts and their bios are below. In addition to the panel, we'll lead an opening meditation, closing takeaway activity, and raffle giveaways from RIDE Indoor Cycling, TruFusion, Stok'd CBD Water, and Autonomy Movement!

Agenda:

• 5:30p to 5:45p - Arrival + connecting

• 5:45p to 6:00p - Opening meditation

• 6:00p to 7:15p - Panel + Q&A

• 7:15p to 7:30p - Closing activity + giveaway raffles!

Snacks / drinks:

• Local Graze Love will be providing a handcrafted graze board showcasing carefully crafted cheese and charcuterie, along with seasonal and dried fruits, nuts and olives

• Stok'd, another local brand, will be providing samples of their refreshing CBD sparkling water

Education, meditation, and community for #healthyminds!

About the panelists

Ali Miller, RD, LD, CDE is a Registered Dietitian with a contagious passion for using nutrients and food as the foundation of treatment protocols and programs. Ali has influenced millions through the medical community and media with television, print, and her award winning podcast, Naturally Nourished. She is the author of Naturally Nourished (2016), The Anti-Anxiety Diet (2018) and her newest book The Anti-Anxiety Diet Cookbook (2019). Her Food-As-Medicine philosophy is supported by up-to-date scientific research for a functional approach to healing the body. Ali is a renowned expert in the ketogenic diet with over a decade of clinical results using a unique whole foods approach tailored to support thyroid, adrenal and hormonal balance.

Peter Craig, MA, LPC-I bridges all things psychotherapy, fitness, and wellness of mind, body, and spirit. Peter is a psychotherapist at Austin Professional Counseling, a JuiceLand-sponsored triathlete, a regular contributing author to mental health columns in Austin Fit Magazine, and an expert in experiential mindfulness. Peter is a certified coach in the psychology of eating, helping clients with their relationships with food and overall wellness goals. Peter received his Masters in Counseling from St. Edward's University and his Bachelor's in Psychology from the University of Texas at Austin.

Dr. Charlotte Howard is a psychologist and co-owner of Deep Eddy Psychotherapy, a practice of 29 clinicians here in Austin. She specializes in a variety of practice areas including self-love, confidence, stress, and social anxiety - providing a holistic approach focused on mind, body, and spirit. In addition to being a leading individual and group psychologist in Austin, Charlotte has presented at the American Psychological Association, been published in several national and international professional psychology journals, trained other clinicians in specialized fields, and authored the book Awaken to Love. Charlotte completed her doctorate in Counseling Psychology on a full fellowship at the University of Iowa and holds a Bachelor in Arts from the Middlebury College in Vermont with a major in Therapy as a Synthesis of Mind, Body, Spirit & Sense of Place.

Shveta Moller, MHA is a multifaceted expert in wellness, food, and finding daily balance amidst a demanding daily corporate life. Outside of her full-time work, Shveta is the curator of @top_austin_restaurants and the owner and blogger of @atx_bites, is a certified Integrative Nutrition Health Coach, and has lived a personally transformational journey in her relationship with food. Full-time during the week, Shveta is as a Project Manager in Fortune 500 management consulting for Sense Corp, leading consulting project teams and often traveling for work. Shveta additionally holds a Master's in Health Administration from Texas Woman's University and a Bachelor's in Biology from the University of Texas at Austin.

Check out our Monthly Mental Health Column in Austin Fit Magazine!

Photo by YourPerfectHeadshot.com

You can inquire about scheduling a session at AustinProfessionalCounseling.com/Scheduling.

Hi everyone, great news! …My boss John Howard and I have a monthly article online with Austin Fit Magazine since September of 2018. We are on a mission to bring more connection into the world and help make mental health services less stigmatized. Feel free to check out the articles below or share them with someone you love. Each month is a different theme.

You can grab a free copy at some locations around Austin, like Castle Hill Fitness on N. Lamar or the downtown Whole Foods.

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April 2019 - How to Create a Loving Home

March 2019 - How Animals Help you Heal

February 2019 - The Power of the Mind

January 2019 - Elevate Your Mental and Emotional Health in 2019

December 2018 - How to Stay Sane During the Holidays

November 2018 - The Qualities of Good Lead ers

October 2018 - What Giving Looks Like in Relationships

September 2018 - Nature Boosts your Mental and Emotional Health

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…Which one is your favorite so far?

Relationship Health Part 3: Practicing Awesome Relationships

In this series we are highlighting the supreme importance of having healthy relationships to our overall health, fitness, and wellness goals. Multiple studies have shown a clear and strong correlation between relationship satisfaction and mental and physical health. What many people don’t know is that the most effective and efficient way to improve our relationships is to actually practice. Say what? That’s right. Relationships, surprisingly, are like everything else in life—we don’t get better if we don’t train, and train hard. The benefits, however, are outstanding. In fact, getting better at relationships doesn’t just improve the relationships themselves, it tends to help us become more fully developed and intelligent individuals as well.

Relationship happens at a very fast rate —not the arc of a relationship—but actual interactions. They’re like playing the piano, or playing a sport. When we interact with other humans, most of our behavior is in the form of automatic, pre-thought actions and reactions. In order to get better, therefore, we have to train those fast, automatic circuits—the ones we tend to call our “relationship habits.” Training at our relationships is exactly like fitness training—it requires practicing the right skills, over and over, with dedication and intention. The result is that those automatic, implicit systems in the brain and body respond with increased skill. Practice helps integrate neural circuits in the brain, and allows energy to flow more efficiently between mind and body. 

Here are three ways to engage in the kind of practice that delivers results:

  Be present. 

We live in a crazy information age—a world saturated everywhere we look with sound, video, news, social media, and the varieties of digital activities. The problem is our nervous system hasn’t adapted yet to the technological age, so many of our relationship connection systems are gauged to simpler, human-to-human interactions. In order to practice having a closer bond, begin by noticing how fully present (or not present) you are. Do you give your partner your full attention, or are you often multitasking? Do you say “Hi!” then look away fairly quickly, or do you hang in your partner's eyes long enough to see where the interaction can go next? Turn off the TV and the radio, put away your devices, de-prioritize social media, and turn to the humans in your immediate vicinity. With your partner, face him or her with your body, and don’t let your focus waver. This sends an incredible message: “You are the most important thing to me.” The human attachment system doesn’t like to compete too much with other things, and your full presence helps answer many of the subconscious questions than sneak into our minds in relationship.

  Use muscle memory. 

There are some disciplines in life where fake it until you make it actually works, and relationship is one. It may seem awkward or weird to try out different relationship responses and habits, but you’re remapping your neural circuits when you do that. It might feel cheesy—like you’re in a soap opera—when you’re practicing showing vulnerability, making more eye contact, or asking about emotions and trying to deepen intimacy—but part of the process of growth is getting past those awkward humps until connecting behaviors feel more natural.

Much of what needs remapping in order to handle the complexity and speed of relationships smoothly is our implicit memory, which includes procedural (motor) memory. Actually trying out new relationship behaviors—rather than just reading a book on relationship health or talking about new habits—gets motor memory engaged, leading you to improve faster at those important connecting skills.

  Practice the right skills. 

“Fake it until you make it” works much better if we’re practicing the right skills that actually deepen connection. You don’t want to go to the gym three times a week and practice the wrong exercises or use the wrong motion. Instead, practice the connection exercises that have the most positive impact. To gauge these, consider what behaviors make you feel more safe and secure with your partner. Practice those, and ask your partner to do the same. There is additional magic in practicing together. That magic has to do with how the brain learns (very relationally). You can take a difficult scenario and game plan for how you could do it better as a couple, then repeatedly role play that new way of doing things. It may seem weird, but it works. We don’t learn to play the piano by talking about the piano, right? We have to play.

Relationships are critical to our sense of health and wellbeing as well as our physical health and fitness. Along with a focus on diet and exercise, relationships need our dedication and attention in order to grow and improve. Relationship training not only benefits your relationships, it makes you a more whole, developed person as well. There is inherent friction in the merging process we call relationship. Combining and sharing different perspectives and habits between two people requires expanding and growing ourselves to understand and inhabit more of the known world of experience.

You can think of relationship growth as brain booster, which it is, but you can also think of it in spiritual terms: We’re becoming greater than the individual perspective and habits we had, and that makes us more whole. Mental and emotional health are increasingly being defined by the level of integration between different systems of mind, brain, and body—with relationship practice serving a primary way to develop that integration. From complexity tolerance to anxiety management, we become better individuals as we learn to navigate relationships more smoothly. We hope this little series has encouraged you to make relationship training a regular part of your overall wellness and fitness regimen. Your body, mind, life, and family thank you!

You can also seek out a relationship counselor or use our relationship training program Ready Set Love® (readysetlove.com) to learn and practice the most effective connecting exercises that develop relationship skill. 

http://www.austinfitmagazine.com/June-2018/Relationship-Health-Part-3-Practicing-Awesome-Relationships/